I had a rough upbringing as a child. This isn't the place to go into details but it was an upbringing that has led me to be unsure of how to respond to certain things. For instance compliments. I do not take them well. I don't know how. I always have a bit of distrust on if the person is being sincere or just being nice.
I fear that sometimes I may come off as rude or conceded or something because I don't know how to take a compliment. This has proven no different in my life now. I have grown in many ways in my life, but this is one area I have not been able to change. Simply because I don't know how to change it.
Since sharing with others that I have entered into the surrogate world, I have received so many kind words, and compliments, thanks, and people's complete appreciation just to know that "people like me are out there" and besides "thank you" I don't know what to say in response.
I don't want to seem rude by not saying anything else. But I don't want to seem full of myself by saying more than that..... *sigh*
I know there are things to say...I just don't know what they are.
But at the same time, I don't have the amazement with myself for what I'm doing that people have expressed they have about me. Yes, I believe that women who can be and are surrogates are some of the most amazing people on this earth. To give the gift of life to another family while risking their own...it's like heaven on earth to know people like that exist.
But I don't put myself in that category....
I don't know why....I just...
Do I think I am doing something great for Doug and Charles? Yes, because I know how happy they will be.
Do I think I'm this great, fantastic person that I described just a few lines ago? No.
Don't ask me why...I don't know.
So when people say those exact things to me, ABOUT me....I never know to say back. I usually just say thank you or add something very short like..."I'm just excited to be pregnant again!" Or "I just want to share the joys of parenthood with others" or something like that, in hopes the person I am responding to picks up that I appreciate their kind words, and I'm not basking in some "oh look at me and great things I do" kind of land.
I'm kind if the same way about sharing my journey with others. I blog (obviously) and people want to read it, so I post it and have begin posting it in groups I am known in. Not to show how "great" I am. But to teach others what this world is like. I didn't realize how many people really have no idea what surrogacy is about, or what it entails. Some people don't even know what a surrogate is! There is such a shortage of surrogates and couples looking for them only because people don't know this option is there. And I have hopes to teach/show people that this isn't just some cake walk/easy way to make a few thousand dollars.
It's intense. It's hard. It's heart breaking. Emotionally draining. Stressful. Takes patience. Lots of medical screening, testing, scares. But I know it will all be worth it in the end.
That's what I want to teach people. That is what I want people to take from my journey.
I just don't know how to portray that to people when I talk about it.
And I wish I knew how to respond to all the so kind words people say to me.
Those words really do go to my heart and I hold each compliment dearly.
I just don't see myself as this amazing individual.
I see myself as a woman that has a deep passion for pregnancy and delivery but I'm done having children. I have found a way to to experience pregnancy again without losing sleep due to a screaming newborn (I say that lightly, I love the newborn stage!) And helping people (another love of mine) all at the same time. I'm just incorporating all the things I love to do into one act.
I don't know.
Honestly, I don't even know I worry so much about what other people think. I don't normally. And I'm not even worried about the negative things some people I'm sure think about me doing this. The only thing I'm worried about is people thinking I'm somehow doing this for selfish reasons.
Why that specific worry....I don't know..
Maybe because that's what stems from my issues from childhood. Me being told I'm selfish no matter how selfless I was actually being at the time...heck I'm no shrink.
I just know I don't take compliments well.
I want people to know how much I appreciate the kind things that say to me....but it's not about me. It's about the couple. The childless couple. Their hearts longing to be parents. To have their little mini me's and raise amazing little people it's about them. Not me.
Thank you to all that see me as more than I see myself. It touches me and I so appreciate the thoughts. I really do. and please know that if you ever pay me a compliment that I may not "seem" to respectively respond to, please know that's not my intention. And that, this journey, maybe mine, but it's not mine alone. I'm sharing it with two amazing people that I feel honored by. They are the ones making this journey great for me. I can't imagine what this journey would be like with another set of IPs.
Thank YOU, Doug and Charles; for trusting me with something so precious as a human baby to carry, and nurture and grow for you. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to have that ability to hold that kind of trust in another person. You are truly amazing people for that. I'm so honored....so honored, you have that trust in me.
This isn't MY surrogacy journey....
This is OUR surrogacy journey.