Sunday, November 10, 2013

Baby Blues

It's been 4 days since Baby William's birth. And I'm blue.

There is so much I have been trying to process in these last four days. It's kind of overwhelming.

I haven't written his birth story yet. It all happened so quickly, the memory of it for me is all jumbled. So I'm waiting for the written accounts of everyone's experience that was there, to help me put it all together a little better before I write it.

It was a beautiful experience, beautiful birth, and William deserves a beautiful, detailed story about the day he was born.
I know that's contributing to my blueness...

(That was what I started 2 days ago.) Here I am now, at 12:36am, one hour short of it being exactly one week since his birth, finishing it...

It has already been one week since Baby William was born. This week has really flown. Really. flown.
The end came so incredibly quick. I kind of feel like I almost missed it.

This past week has been one of miracles, amazement, wonder, beauty, sadness, and disappointment.
The birth of Baby William...oh what a beautiful birth it was....details on that in his birth story.

For the first few days, I was really surprised; I felt so wonderful. I really did.

Then 4 days after his birth... happened.

The post-partum blues.
I just felt...I don't even know...
I found myself just blankly wandering around my house. I didn't even realize it at first. I felt like I wanted to do something; clean, organize, anything. But I just felt lost on how to start, like...I didn't know what to do and all I wanted to do was clean.

It was the sound. The house was suddenly so quiet. For weeks it had not been so quiet. There were appointments, and my friend staying with us to help me out, Doug and Charles were there, then the birth, and the house was full of people. So full of kind hearted people that I loved.

they were all gone.
and the house was quiet.
I didn't know what to do with it.
I broke.
I just cried. and cried. and cried. Without even knowing why. I just. cried.

Was I sad? Not really. Not for the reasons I know people will think anyway. Seeing Doug and Charles with their new baby boy in their arms...made me so happy, at times I just sat and watched them interact together, with their son; with a stuck on smile on my face.

Yes, I was sad because I missed them.
Doug. Charles. Baby William.
We had a mini tradition if you will of them coming over every Sunday to watch football and do their laundry. That wasn't happening this coming Sunday.
I missed them. All. three. of them.

But mostly, what was getting to me, was the adjustment of everything.
I was really enjoying not having an infant to look after! (That hasn't changed! haha) But it was just the adjustment to that fact. My doula put it well, my mind was well prepared for that, but my body wasn't. A woman's body is engineered to gear up through hormones, for the care of the infant after birth. My body did not know (or care) that the baby wasn't meant for me, no matter how much I knew that in my head and was prepared for it. She explained it like this: it's like the day after Christmas. You are so excited and spend so much time and effort for that one day, and then it's Done.

I felt like...I wasn't doing something important that I should be doing. That is the best way I can figure out to explain it. I was ok with that of course, but it almost felt like I was doing something wrong.
It really is difficult to explain to those who have never experienced it.

Through talking it out, mostly with my wonderful doula, I came to the realization that, no matter what people tell me, I am NOT superwoman ;) and that my sudden set of the blues was a mixture of normal after baby blues, the unique adjustment I was making, missing the guys, and feeling disappointed in myself for how I was feeling. Like somehow, I was bad for feeling so down. Even for a moment.

I didn't want to feel badly, in any way, shape, or form. I had myself blinded and completely disregarded the fact that no matter how I felt about the journey ending, that normal post-partum blues could still happen, and probably would still happen. The fact that I didn't prepare myself for that, I think exacerbated the rest of it.

I'm better now. I talked about it with my doula. I had my placenta encapsulated (I hadn't taken it like I was supposed to that day either) and made sure to take it on schedule to see if that would help (it totally did), and I Skyped with the guys and Baby William (and Tivo!).

I have said it before, I will say it a million times more...I am so lucky to have the IPs that I do. They are amazing people. We really do have a great friendship. Charles messaged me to make sure I was ok. He offered to Skype with me, so we could talk and I could see them and Baby William, thinking that would help me feel better. I was a mess, and really wasn't sure if that was the best idea, but accepted his offer. I'm glad I did. We had a nice little talk and I got updates and little stories about how they were doing and the little things they had already experienced in their new parenthood. I got to see little Baby William...he is so cute!!!
Having that time on Skype really helped. Just talking to Charles really helped. He offered for us to Skype on a regular basis, saying that he thought it would be good for all of us to do.

I was really disappointed in myself for feeling so down. But I came to realize that I am feeling what I'm feeling, and I can't change it. I accepted that for a moment, I wasn't "superwoman", but a normal, feeling, human.

Just like that, I felt better.

It's ok to miss them. Because we ARE are FAMILY. (I remember Doug saying that the day they left in between streams of tears).
Our family was extended by 3 wonderful people. (and Tivo)

Enough with the heavy. I'm feeling much better now. I am still emotional. (Hell I have always been an emotional person) But for all good reasons. I'm still kind of in awe that I had a home water birth. That alone gives me such a sense of accomplishment, on top of being a surrogate, that I get teary. But it's all good. :)

I'm getting back to my life slowly. The week of recovery I had to take slowed me down a bit, but I'm healing so well, I feel great! And I'm back to being able to clean my own house, and chase (ok, walk) after my kids. I can walk and not hurt! haha.
It feels good to have my body back. (No offense Baby William! I loved carrying you, but man did you do a number to my pelvis and ribs! haha)
It feels good to be able to easily bend and put my shoes on!
Oh it's the simple joys in life. :-D

Don't worry, Baby William's birth story IS coming soon! As soon as I get the personal accounts of the others that were there to help me piece it all together. I have it started, but there are holes. :-/ I don't like holes.

We had a birth photographer there also, and she took some amazing photos! Rachel at Tripp Over Love Photography did such an amazing job! I'm so glad she was there to capture these precious moments for both the guys (becoming parents) and myself (first home/water birth). So much accomplishment all the way around to capture on film. :)

So what am I doing now? Well, now my time is filled with pumping! Yay boobie juice! This milk was made for Baby William. I am a passionate advocate for breast feeding/breast milk. So I'm pumping for as long as I can, and sending the milk to Baby William. It was kind of a slow start. I have never exclusively pumped before, (I nursed my kids and pumped, but never just pumped...that is whole different ball game) so I wasn't sure what to expect. I went to visit a lactation consultant and got some great tips and advice. Now one week after the birth, I am pumping a good amount and damn proud of it!!! I just hope I can keep pumping this amount for a good while. I'm already stocked up with lactation cookies, lactation tincture, and lactation tea to help keep my supply up, should it start to drop before we are ready for it to.

I got this! Boobie power!!!
Ok, ok, now I'm just being my defense, it's almost two in the morning. :)

Hopefully the next update will be the birth those I'm waiting on. ;)

Happy one week Baby William!!! One week old and already changed so many lives!

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