Tomorrow...or today; though I prefer to call it tomorrow, as for me, today isn't over until I go to sleep.
Tomorrow, I have my first official medical appointment on my journey as a surrogate.

It's a rather simple test. No lab required. Just me, my dr, a nurse, dye and an ultrasound machine. It's a complicated name. I won't bother you with it. They are looking for any blockage in my fallopian tubes because of an infection I had in my left one when I was a teenager.

As it was told to me, if there is a blockage, there is fluid that builds up. This fluid is deadly to an embryo/fetus. The fluid, should it leak into my uterus will prevent any embryos from implanting. Should a pregnancy take place, any leakage will kill the baby. Any blockage found needs to be removed before transfer takes place. This mostly likely would require removal of the blocked fallopian tube or at the very least, the blocked portion.

Scary huh?
It is.

They will be inserting a dye...well...ya know where...the Dr can see where the dye goes with the ultrasound, if it goes all the way through my tubes...we are good. If not...well something needs to be fixed.
I have also learned that the blockage is not the only thing they can see that could cause a problem with me continuing as a surrogate.
A laceration on my uterus would put me out of the running completely. I don't know what causes them to be present. But I have also learned that they can make it difficult to become pregnant.

Needless to say, I'm a little nervous. Not that I actually have any reason to be. My OB has told me that I more than likely do not have any of those things present. I have had 3 beautiful pregnancies, births, and never had any problems becoming pregnant. If I had any of these things, he is sure he would have noticed SOMETHING in all of the ultrasounds I have had, or I would have had some problems with my fertility before now. Plus, I had a pregnancy a year and a half ago and had no medical issues since that time...so I should be good to go.

Should.
I hate that word.

I wish I already KNEW that I had nothing to worry about.
But then, there would be no reason for this test.

Again, it's not that I actually have a need to think something negative will show on this test. It's that, this journey has really kicked off, after all the time and effort I have put into just matching alone. The match I have is amazing. Doug and Charles are awesome. Truly awesome men. Even the smallest thing can end our journey together in an instant. It's a fragile journey. So I'm nervous about anything that can show that tiniest thing that could end our journey together...not to mention give Doug and Charles more disappointment. They deserve to be parents.

7:30am comes awfully early, especially when it's 1:00am and you are still unable to go to sleep.

I have some herbal sleepy time tea to try to help relax me and help me sleep.

Here's to a few hours sleep and good news from the test tomorrow.

Things just keep rolling forward...birth control started!

I know..."birth control? Aren't you wanting to get pregnant?"

Yes. And birth control is the first step in the process. For my journey.
But I will get to that in a minute.

Not much time has went by. The beginning of October, the 12th to be exact my IPs contacted me right after being accepted by the agency. And now...wow, November 12!
Now as of November 12th, all the foot work stuff is done and we are moving on to the bigger things, the ACTUAL journey. In just one month. It was went so fast, but I'm totally ok with it.

This is what I wanted, so begin right away, and we did. It just happens like that when you have the right match. :)

George and I have had our psych evals done, all the paper work is done, (loads of paper work), all of the other little details. My cycle finally started and I was able to schedule the Hysterosalpingogram.

Hysterosalpingogram? What? You don't know what that is? Ok yeah, I had no clue either. I will be given a dye that will make my uterus and fallopian tubes all very clear on an ultrasound type of device. They are basically just checking for any blockage in my fallopian tubes that would need to be corrected before a transfer.

In preparation for this and a few other reasons, I have had to begin birth control pills. One, to prevent pregnancy. George has a vasectomy, but that is not always fool proof and we want to MAKE SURE Doug and Charles are not disappointed again by something we can control. Two, for purposes of the test, the pill keeps my uterine lining from becoming to thick for the OB to see what he needs to see. Three, the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) will need my cycle to be controlled. So that's how birth control pills fit in to getting pregnant. :)

This Friday, the 16th I have to go in for a pregnancy test, just to make sure we are clear for the test. Then the following Tuesday, the 20th I go in for the hysterosalpingogram. Hopefully by the end of that week the OB will have the report sent to the RE so that I can schedule my appointment with FCI (the fertility clinic) and I will be able to plan my trip to Chicago!! To meet the RE and get the plan laid out for meds and transfer but also to finally meet Doug and Charles face to face!!!

I'm so excited for that! We have exchanged soooo many emails, chat on facebook...I want to meet them!

We have had our share of bumps in this previous busy month, but it has not been enough to set us back. I will continue to keep the faith and moving forward, hoping things keep going as they have been and soon after Christmas we will be planning a transfer!

MATCHED!!!

Holy moly mother of Jesus I have matched!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There just was no other way to start this post! It deserves every last ounce of excitement that I am feeling!!! I just want to jump up and down around my living room!

I can only imagine how my IPs feel right now!

MY IPs...pure awesomeness right there.

Ok, so. I honestly don't remember right now if I already mentioned this or not, but I have joined up with an agency to try to enhance my chances of matching.

Well, it worked!

I signed up with Family Source Consultants in Chicago, Ill. I received an email today letting me know after reviewing my medical records, I have been approved to move forward with a couple they were trying to match me with!!!!

My IPs (love the sound of that) are Doug and Charles. They are amazing people!! Truly. We have exchanged I don't even know how many emails and I just got a great vibe from them. After reviewing their profile, I KNEW this was the right match for me. I was so worried that the clinic would say no to working with me, and I wouldn't be able to work with these amazing people!

They have such huge hearts, filled with so much love and compassion, not only for each other, but for people and life in general. They are truly each others "other half." I definitely picked that up when reading their profile. They are so excited to become parents and have great plans of how to raise their future children. I am excited to be joining this journey with them!

We have scheduled to Skype (to "meet" face to face) on Sunday evening. Very excited for that. Then after that, we will continue to make appointments for testings and screenings and contracts...so much a head!!!

Things can still turn to where it doesn't work out of course. I am very aware of that. But I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm thinking positive and looking forward to the future and the amazing journey a head.

It's still very surreal for me to think that this is finally, actually happening for me. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

I really am so very very excited!!!! Plus, I can't wait to be pregnant again. :) Go ahead, call me crazy, I miss it.

A community within a community

So. I found...no she found me...

I was found by IPs...in...WARRENSBURG!!!!

Now, they are TS (traditional surrogate) IPs, BUT still awesome!!!

This is not a community where you find people in the surro community. It just doesn't happen very often in small towns. So I was incredibly blown away when I recieved an email reaching out for support from my own community! So cool!!

I just had to get this out because I was so excited. It maybe hard to grasp for those that do not know much about the journey of surrogacy, but it really is neat to have someone so close, even if you don't carry for them...just to have that support and be able to give support and have someone to talk to that understands the lingo and everything. Love it!!!

As for me...I'm still waiting to hear from the agency about a match. I turned in all of our paperwork and was told they have a few couples in mind for me...so we will see how it goes!

The never beginning journey....

I feel like this journey is never going to start....

Just when I feel like it's getting started, the feeling disappears.

The couple I was "matched" with, came to me. Had such excitement to find me and wanted to move forward with me. Then "decided" to do open adoption instead...

Really? I don't know, maybe my mind is just incredibly screwy, but I would think that this was not something that was discussed throughly and decided upon in 48 hours. One would think this was something they were already considering before expressing such desire to have me be a surrogate for them. One would think.

The email I just received telling me they have changed their mind about the path they were taking was very cold. Not like the other emails we had exchanged.

Yes, this bothers me.

Though, I have to be grateful they even informed me they were no longer wanting to move forward...most of them just never talk to you again.

This is just so incredibly discouraging.

Is it coincidence? Is there something about me people don't like? I don't know. I'm feeling very blue tonight. This was just the icing on the cake (I really hate that analagy) so I'm having a pitty party. With no confetti.

I have been accepted to an agency. I gave in and decided to try that route and see if it goes any better. I have heard both sides to using an agency, so we will see. It can't hurt to try...right?

It doesn't always go the way you imagine....

...and that's ok.

So it has been awhile since I have been here...which I mentioned it would be. Now what I did not realize is how much things were going to change. I am no longer matched with Mabel and Gustavo. Not because of them as people or a couple. I became incredibly worried about them missing the birth of their baby with them being so far away. There were too many variables that risked them missing the birth, and that is a must for me...IPs MUST be there for the birth. Additionally after more research (speaking with experienced GS's and such) the language barrier was something I decided was not going to work for me. Mainly on the issues of making sure everyone understood everything clearly. When there are language differences like that, it can be very difficult to fully understand what one is trying to say, medical terminology is so different, etc. I just felt like there was too much risk for miscommunication that could turn a great match into a horrible journey.

So I regretably backed out.

I then matched up with another international couple from South Africa. That was a disaster. Nothing that impacted me directly, but it was stressful. They wanted to move here, so they claimed. So I agreed to help them find a home and make some changes to it, and help make sure it was ready for them when they got here. When we had found a house and it was time to do the contract, they stopped communicating completely. They haven't even opened any emails from me since then....strange.

There is the possibility that something happened to them....it's a horrible thought. Either of the possibilities is unpleasant. Regardless of the true reason. That fell through.

I re-posted my ad on the surro site and have had good luck with responses. I have also taken the step to contact those IPs I was interested in on the site. This sounds a lot like internet dating....

I now again find myself in communication with two couples....

One from Iowa, one from California. Both great people with beautiful hearts. They each have things about them that make me feel I could work great with them. They also both have things about them that make me say "what if?"

Distance. Finances.

Am I doing this for the money? Absolutely not! Completely from my heart. I cannot ignore the risk I am taking for complete strangers. My body. My life. My family. What my family is risking. It's a great risk for a GREAT purpose, but I have to be safe and make sure my family is taken care of during my journey, and should something happen to me...make sure they are taken care of in my absence.

I understand having to balance finances...Lord knows I understand that all too well. Not everyone has the money to just freely dish out for something like this, it's those people I want to help the most. But it's in the back on my head somewhere; "What if they don't (by their own fault or not) come through with our agreement?" What will I/my family do? It's another risk. Am I willing to take it? My heart says "yes."

Distance. Will they make the birth? Will they travel to be involved? What if they miss it, and here I am sitting here with their baby in my arms...waiting for them to arrive...whenever that may be... This is just the "not so fun" side of this journey. I know the fun part is not far behind.

Decisions to be made. Conversations to be had.

I cannot wait til it's time to move forward. Really start the journey. Go to appointments, sign contracts, get a transfer, see a positive pregnancy test!!!

Patience. I feel the right match is very close. Very. close. I may have potentially matched with one of the couples, we have agreed to move forward together...we will see how far it goes. I'm not getting myself to psyched up yet, but I am hopeful. Always hopeful.

MATCHED!!!

I'VE MATCHED!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me say that again...

I. HAVE. MATCHED!!!!!!!

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Me so happy!!! Though it did take several months, it did not take as long as I thought it would. Being that I want to have a home/water birth, it usually takes longer to find a match. But I found one! Or actually...they found me. :)

They are the couple from Mexico I mentioned in an earlier post. I have already spoken with them about my blog and have their permission to blog about our journey together, and to disclose who they are. (They read my blog) :)

We have had our first Skype meeting, and it went great!! There is a language barrier, but their daughter is able to help with that for now. I enjoyed the 45 minutes we spent getting to know each other more. It definitely helped me to be sure that this is the right couple for me.

So I am proud to introduce Mabel and Gustavo as the couple I will (hopefully) carry a baby for, and I couldn't be happier!! I am truly blessed to have them as IPs! They are soooo sweet, and genuine. Mabel and Gustavo have been so accepting of me and are always asking to learn more about our family and our activities. We work together so well, they never demand anything from me, they always suggest or ask if I am ok with something, and if I'm not, we figure something else out.

So respectful. So kind. So grateful. Compassionate. Willing. Heartfelt.

These are the words I use to describe them in my eyes. I don't have to wonder or hope, I can FEEL how grateful they are and how compassionate they are. They were so eager to learn more when I shared with them my passion for pregnancy, women, labor, etc, and my business as a doula. They asked many questions and went over all the resources I provided and gave great feedback. They enjoy learning about what interests me...the woman they have chosen to carry their child.

I couldn't have asked for a better family. Thank you Mabel and Gustavo for choosing ME to join this journey with you. That is all for now.

I just wanted to update all of my followers that I know have been dying to know if I matched yet, and to give a brief introduction of the couple. We are going to wait till we have made a contract with our lawyers to blog more about our experience together. So it may be awhile before you hear from me again on this blog. But don't worry! As soon as we have a contract, I will updated on a regular basis, and include lots of pictures!! See you all soon!